How Does Your Family History Influence Your Relationship with Money?
Holiday season. A time when families & friends come together to share good food, gifts, and most importantly, quality time with one another. The 2021 holiday season might be the first time some of us are even gathering in larger groups to celebrate. Family conversations around the table include memories from years past, recipe swaps, comfort, and laughter. And although some conversations might turn sour (just bring up politics!), the gathering of generations is beautiful.
As you gather with loved ones during the holiday, consider how these relationships have influenced your attitudes about money. Is money discussed? If so, who does the talking and who doesn't? Does Great Grandma, who lived through the Depression, talk about saving and earning every penny through long, grueling work hours? Does your "Boomer" Aunt drive up in her expensive car and criticize her millennial children for not being able to afford the same? Through judgment, blaming, or hopefully, encouragement and productive conversation, our family's messages affect our attitudes and behaviors about money.
Chances are, you didn't learn much about financial planning in elementary school, middle school, or even high school. Your inherent beliefs, behaviors, and attitudes about money stem from your experience within your family. And those family lessons typically weren't taught; they were simply absorbed in your subconscious.
What is your family money history?
Did you hear your parents argue about finances?
Did your family struggle financially, or was money relatively available?
Were there explicit conversations about money?
As a child, were you aware that you had more/less/same as your classmates?
Who paid the bills in the family?
If there was money to invest, who made those decisions?
Were holidays a time of abundance or stress?
If you worked as a kid, were you able to save that money or contribute to the household budget?
Did one or both parent(s) value financial gain over family time?
As you begin to unravel how you were brought up, think about your current financial situation and your approach to money in general. Are you recreating family patterns? In your quest to handle money matters differently, have you rejected some positive financial habits you saw growing up? If money was used as a control mechanism, are you repeating this pattern with your own children?
It is possible to rewrite your family money story. Once you understand what it is, where it came from, and how it impacts you, decide what is serving you and what you might want to break away from.
Start with recognizing that self-worth has absolutely nothing to do with your net worth. While this may seem obvious, our culture often confuses the size of one's bank account with the value we bring to the world.
From there, spend some time getting clear about your core values and needs (physical & emotional). This is important because, over the long term, our most satisfying decisions (including financial decisions) are those that are made where our values and needs meet. Being clear about your values today (not those imposed upon us from childhood or those of a perfect human) is an important first step.
It is also important to understand and embrace your needs. Notice what behaviors may be at play when one of your needs is not being met. For instance, ask yourself, are my purchases consistent with my needs and values, or are they because I have an unmet need such as companionship and connection? During the pandemic, many of us found ourselves at home buying things we did not need as a substitute for human interaction. The satisfaction derived from such purchasing is often fleeting.
A better understanding of our values and needs helps us make more satisfying decisions. Sometimes these decisions are consistent with our family history, and sometimes our life experience has broadened or changed what we value and need without our conscious awareness. Paying attention to how your values and needs are (or are not) influencing your financial decisions to count for a lot when it comes to your finances.
Commit to small changes, set goals, and allow yourself to make mistakes-you're learning. We know that small-scale changes in many aspects of our lives often lead to greater successful outcomes, and they're just easier to commit to. Know that a positive money story doesn't mean your life is perfect. There will be setbacks, and how you plan for those setbacks and recover from them will improve your future.
Appreciate and understand that your upbringing contributed to your adult attitudes and decisions about money. Are you the parent now? Think about the conversations you have about money around your children. And this holiday season, think about your family and their collective experiences when it comes to money. Remember that ultimately YOU are the keeper of your personal finances.
